Crap They'd Never Print In The Opinion Column - The Mad Whacker of The Pattee Stacks

I have to admit, I laughed when I heard about the mysterious man who decided to masturbate in Simmons dorm. I laughed again when a man of a similar description struck (or stroked) again in the Pattee Library Stacks last Thursday. Now that I know that man is Stanley Pringle, a Nittany Lions basketball member, I'm not sure what to do.

First, let me say, thank God they caught someone. If this masturbatory mystery had gone unsolved, it would be the lamest urban legend on campus within three years. "Some folks say it's a custodian who was never taught to read. After he was crushed to death in a landslide of reference books, his ghost began pleasuring himself at the end of every March," the upperclassmen would say. "Students have heard the moaning and heavy footsteps pacing back and forth for decades. He masturbates because there's nothing else for him in the library."

But now that it's Stanley Pringle - a public figure, no matter what your opinion of our basketball team is - It kind of pisses me off. We're getting a bad rap as it is with so many football players being caught on the wrong side of the law. It's national news. Andrew Quarless' DUI made the sports page on USA Today.

Now Pringle just HAD to stroke it - sullying the basketball team. I realize that one player's fondness for flogging the dolphin amongst aged copies of natural science encyclopedias doesn't represent the morality of the entire team, but given the trend of Penn States athletes in the news, he's given people the excuse to lump basketball players in with the story of the football team.

The first thing that comes to mind is how far this conversation went. According to the article, it said he "attempted to start a conversation with the woman". That's very vague. Was it a short exchange, then he whipped Stanley jr. out? Or was it attempting to start a conversation like I do?

Me (If I was a Penn State Basketball Player who was masturbating in public instead of PRACTICING so we can maybe get to the tournament once this century): Oh, hi.
[Girl Looks up, goes back to note taking]
Me (If I was a Penn State Basketball Player who was masturbating in public instead of PRACTICING so we can maybe get to the tournament once this century): Did you get that book in section 500?
[Girl keeps head down, pretends to be really interested in notes]
Me (If I was a Penn State Basketball Player who was masturbating in public instead of PRACTICING so we can maybe get to the tournament once this century): Did it ever annoy you when someone said "Li-bary?"
[Girl stops writing]
Me (If I was a Penn State Basketball Player who was masturbating in public instead of PRACTICING so we can maybe get to the tournament once this century): Oh ho ho! You WERE one of those people that said Li-bary! Oh man! We TOTALLY wouldn't have been friends in elementary school.
[Girl closes book, visibly annoyed]
Me (If I was a Penn State Basketball Player who was masturbating in public instead of PRACTICING so we can maybe get to the tournament once this century): Woah, woah, hey - it's ok. I'm sure you don't STILL say Li-bary. Hey, speaking of which, I never learned how to use the dewey decimal system - i just faked it until computers made everything easy. High five!
[Girl turns around to tell me off, sees one hand extended in the air and one hand....not]

Honestly, if I still worked at the Collegian, I'd ask everyone there if they knew what the attempted conversation was about. Was it a rehearsed topic, like a pick up line? Did he mention the weather? I like to think he just winged it.

I can't help but think of alternatives for Pringle. Hindsight is twenty twenty, and suggesting other courses of action won't un-whack him off, but here are three plans for any Penn Staters of prominence who can't seem to keep their hands off themselves:

1. It doesn't appeal to me personally, but the word on the street is people masturbate in public because they like the thought of someone getting blindsided by their self-lovin'. It's an adrenaline rush. Different strokes for different folks. (Pun Intended)
But why not hire a hooker? Find a lady of the evening, and have her sit in your living room. Whenever you're comfortable, knock yourself out as she flips through whatever magazines you may have lying around.
I know there are two obvious problems with this suggestion: hookers cost money, and if you ask a prostitute to do this, she won't be completely oblivious.
First off, you don't even need to spend that much. As long as you don't touch her, you don't have to worry about STDs. Instant discount. Secondly, you have to role play a little. Sure, the call girl isn't really the redhead from sociology, but with a little imagination, you're there right now! Everyone has to do it at some point.

2. Start a club. Send out a call for all public masturbators, and meet in the basement of Willard in a classroom at an obscure time of night. You guys can swap stories, share tips, and stroke it while you're there. You are in public - only those of us not into it are far, far away. Bonus - could be used to pad your resume.

3. Slam your genitals in a car door. You won't even want to lay a finger on them for weeks.