This Just In: CHTV Short Makes Me Laugh

I've got to be honest with you - I didn't really like when Collegehumor started having it's staffers focus on video projects rather than writing articles themselves. It was a good business decision, as viral videos are the way of the internet these days, but I found so many faces on the site so much funnier when they were in print. Amir Blumenfeld, for example, I can't stand in the Jake and Amir videos my brother shits his pants (not litterally...yet) watching, but I used to look forward to his comedic writing.

Dan Guretwich (the "cool english teacher" in this sketch) was one of those people. However, I do have to give him credit - I recently discovered that he writes many of the scripts for these shorts, which in my limited comedy writing, I have found to be hard shit. Sure, I don't find many of CH's videos to be particularly worthy of my time (not to hate on Jake and Amir, but sometimes it seems like they're not even trying), but every once and awhile a video like this reminds me why I visit the site. It's hard work to be consistently funny on a regular basis, and the more regular exposure you get, the harder it is to please people - Will Ferrell has this problem with the more critical part of the moviegoing population. So enjoy this (old) episode of "Hardly Working" - I was one of many people who had the "cool" teacher and can say Dan nailed it.

More WJBR.com Photoshop Work

I'm all over the front page.My in the thick of summer logo, which was actually designed before the logo it just replaced. People seem to like the sunglasses over the 99. I'm not sure, but I probably have stolen that idea from somewhere.It's riddled with amateur photoshopper aesthetic issues, but at least it's a half-page advertisement. By the way, "Join WJBR" means "awkwardly power-walk by the two young adults trying to hand out magnets and temporary tattoos while trying to get your kids to an early movie."This wasn't officially assigned to me, as Paul the production guy kind of wandered over while I was working on something else, saw that I had apparently a lot of practice with photoshop by now, and mentioned how people would always call him saying that the original online outlet link was too hard to find. I made this while doing the work I was actually supposed to be doing.This one is disappointing, because I had made an alternate logo that was, in my opinion, better. It had a ball pit background instead of the creepy little kids' heads. I figured most of us have positive associations with ball pits, and pictures demonstrate a product better than words, but I guess the alternate was too hard to read, or my boss couldn't find it. Oh well.Probably the simplest ad for the website I've made. Justified becuase fireworks will be relevant for what- One week?

I know none of these are particularly impressive or interesting, but it seems like once they are taken down and replaced by newer ads, they're off the internet completely. So I'm storing some of the better (yes, this is my best attempt at quality work) ads here. I'm sure there will be more, as I have found out I am the only intern that knows how to photoshop.

This Can't Promote Healthy Behavior

For the past few months, I've been signing on to AIM just about whenever I open my laptop - you never know who will be on when, and even if you don't have anything to talk about, it isn't a bad idea to catch up with people.

As a result, I see the AIM "Dashboard" roughly half a dozen times a day. I would change my settings so it didn't pop up in my browser automatically, but I have to admit that every now and then, there's an interesting story buried among the usual crap.

While this may be more appropriately dubbed usual crap, today I saw this:
Good Job, AOL. I have to click on her. Despite the disgustingly saccharine header, I find her adorable. It's probably the attribution of innocence given to rainbow hair paired with the fact that she's, to paraphrase Vince Vaughn "eyefucking the shit out of me."

So, like a hormone driven idiot, I clicked, and discovered Pixnay. Pixnay is one of the many AOL subsites, and is described as the following:

Choose your favorite of two photos randomly plucked from our pool of hot girls and guys. The next battle will appear. Pick. Click. Repeat. Enjoy.

Judging these face-offs is rockin’ in itself, but why not spout your opinion for all of Pixnay to see or, better yet, get in the ring and join the fray?

All you need is a hot picture of yourself and an AOL or AIM screen name to play.

Not only will this give lazy people like myself carte blanche to creep on girls I don't even know, but the fact that everyone is openly encouraged to submit their own pictures for judging opens so many opportunities for disaster.

If you're ugly, or even average, it is almost impossible that this fact will be confirmed quickly - people don't exactly hold back their criticisms on the internet - you've got so much to hide behind, why would you?

Take, for example, this young lady:I don't think further commentary is necessary.

If you're hot, you probably already know this - it just pisses the rest of us off when you get yet another confirmation that you will indelibly have an easier life simply because you're attractive. Plus, thanks to the internet, d-bags all over the world can "holla at ya" faster than ever!Also, doesn't anyone worry about stalkers anymore? Is that just me? Am I antiquated because I view the internet as a possible haven for disturbed perverts with a great deal of time (and most of the time, spooge) on their hands? Apparently this girl isn't:And people wonder why I don't want to have daughters down the road.

But I guess what really kills me the most about Pixnay is that I'm going to keep voting on girls like a lab rat hitting a button that triggers food. As minimal as the stimulation is, it does give you something to do - during time which I could be much more productive. Writing, more specifically.

Facebook Is Turning You Gay

Back when I was on Facebook (oh, has it only been a month?), I would log in around 12 times a day. The time spent on Facebook for each log in would vary, but what is important is that when I did click around a lot, a new ad (or "flyer" as the supposedly user-friendly site calls) them would pop up in the left sidebar.

Towards the end of my time on Facebook, I would see a LOT of 'Men Seeking Men' ads appear in that sidebar. At first I dismissed it as the gay dating sites investing in flyers, but they kept coming up so often I became worried.

How many guys' profiles am I looking at? I would think. Why does Facebook think I'd be interested in meeting gay men?! Am I really that flamboyant in print?

Finally I asked some other people. Turns out, there were that many gay dating ads on there. And that's why I especially enjoyed Kissing Suzy Kolber's discovery of none other than Notre Dame / Cleveland Browns douchefuck BRADY QUINN in one of these ads.I find it hysterical that the reported gay-basher keeps finding himself associated with the homosexual community.If you're feeling like it's unfair for his sexuality to be questioned, I present the following:I guess if you're a gay dude on the prowl, just look for #10.

MTV and Harmonix Gave Me A Birthday Gift Whether They Knew It Or Not

From IGN:

June 20, 2008 - MTV and Harmonix announced today that three tracks from Weezer's newly released Red Album will be made available for download in Rock Band on June 24 on Xbox Live and June 26 the PlayStation Network. The list of songs includes "Dreamin," "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived," and "Troublemaker." The track pack will cost you $5.49 (440 Microsoft Points) when bought as a bundle and $1.99 (160 Microsoft Points) for each individual song.

I've got to say, not only am I thrilled that Rock Band (the game in my collection that is second only to Halo 3) has allowed me to sing and play along with Weezer's hits "Say It Ain't So," "El Scorcho," and "Buddy Holly" in the past, but that they pick my three of my favorite five songs off their new album.

The Red Album is comparably solid to other albums, and while it may wilt in the second half, I love it as much, if not more, than Maladroit. What better day for MTV and Harmonix to make an announcement that I can further integrate Weezer and Rock Band than my birthday? It will without doubt be worth the measly $5.49 I will hand over as soon as possible this coming Tuesday.

Student Fights Mifflin Streak Charges

I found this story by checking The Lion, my during the year employer (if you can call an organization you volunteer for while getting no compensation and employer), and it's blog on the Centre Daily Times website.

The gist of it is Elizabeth Burke(left), a 20 year-old student who participated in last semester's traditional streak, who was (unsurprisingly)apprehended by police and subsequently charged with open lewdness. The streak, for those of you not in the know, is an annual tradition among students, always taking place in the Pollock dorms region of campus.

What's interesting is the blogger's - more specifically Peter Bosak of The Times, who has followed the story for the past few weeks - examination of legalizing the streak. While it definitely won't happen (townies of State College tend to resent the students with what we already get away with in the first place), it doesn't seem like the most ludicrous idea. Plus, naked people.

Also, as The Lion operates during the entire year, cool stuff even gets done during the summer. The interview with the aforementioned student can be found here.

I Fucking Love The Daily Show

The Daily Show has been both poignant and howlingly funny for years. It's remarkable how their writers so effectively lampoon the drivel that is show on Cable news networks while finding a way to keep being funny about the same stories that repeat themselves.

Jon Stewart and Co. really best themselves with this segment, featured last night, that was not only particularly applicable for me as an Obama supporter, but someone who has watched the word "blog" become a magnet of derision.

Can't see the clip? Watch it here.

The Troy McClure Film Quiz

Phil Hartman voiced two of my favorite Simpsons characters - Shyster Lawyer Lionel Hutz and B-Movie washup Troy McClure. Naturally, I was thrilled to see the Troy McClure Film or Actual Terrible Movie Quiz on Mental Floss.

They start things out fairly easy, the first of the fifteen titles being The Erotic Adventures of Hercules. But after that, things get a little tough. Even someone who has watched America's favorite cast of yellow-hued dimwits countless time scored a mere 10/15 correct.

John Mayer May Be The Coolest Person Alive

There is a reason why I put up with Funny or Die's unusually large embedded videos that make my page look awful - they are more often than not the most hilarious things on the internet.

I thought John Mayer was cool when I heard his music - the guy plays some of the best guitar this side of Zeppelin, and I thought he was the shit when he answered Ryan Seacrest's question of "Are you dating Jessica Simpson?" in Japanese. But on top of all this, the guy is funny.

"Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl."

Do yourself a favor and watch Weeds.

If you have a subscription to the perpetually-in-second cable movie channel Showtime, you'll be able to catch the Season 4 premiere tonight. Speaking of that, if you haven't seen the first three seasons, it's probably available on On Demand.

You see, I am a DVD collector at heart - given that I can't watch too many movies over and over again (without the notable exceptions), this has led me to snatch up DVD seasons of TV shows I like as fast as a Warlord Dictator in an impoverished country would seize Unicef donations.

I have most of my favorite shows that are available - Arrested Development, Seinfeld, The Office, South Park, and The Simpsons get played nearly weekly - but occasionally I'll take a gamble and buy a season of a TV series if it's on sale for a ridiculous price. In fact, this is the very method by which I discovered Arrested Development.

My latest happy surprise is a dark comedy that enough people watch for there to be continued production and critical buzz, but not enough for you to get sick of people professing their love for it - not unlike Arrested before it got canceled.

I have only watched the first season (I purchased the first two seasons for a paltry $30 at Best Buy and have already 263 minutes of quality time to show for it), but here's the gist of the series: Nancy Botwin, expertly played by Mary-Louise Parker, finds herself struggling to support herself and her two sons' suburban California lifestyle after her husband suddenly dies from a heart attack. Her solution? Start selling pot in the upper-class community of Agrestic. What you get is a mix of stoner-comedy, soap opera-esque conflicts, and sharp satire of not only America's perception of Marijuana but the follies of upper class living. The story has hints of HBO's Big Love yet reminds me of Arrested in it's skewering of terrible people.

Faces you'll recognize include SNL alum Kevin Nealon - who may be my favorite part of the show ("It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.") as Botwin's stoner accountant and number one customer - Romany Malco of 40-Year-Old Virgin fame as the streetwise dealer Conrad, and Elizabeth Perkins as the utterly detestable (but howlingly funny) Cecilia - who you would know as the chick from Big.

Really, I can't say much more about the series without taking away from what I've seen, but it's one of those shows that unfortunately won't get it's due until it's prematurely canceled. With all the shit on TV lately, you'd think word of mouth could ensure shows like Weeds get more than critical praise.

It's Hard To Take A Mock Seriously When Jim Sorgi Is Drafted

The idea of an auction-style fantasy football draft, in which players are given a salary cap and bid each other for the drafting rights of each player, has always been intriguing to me. Today I found out Fantasy Football Auctioneer not only hosts online auction-style fantasy drafts, but offers free mock drafts as well, and couldn't help but give it a try.

The only thing is, few people seem to know about it. I played against 10 automated players and 1 human, so things weren't exactly accurate. For instance, Jared Lorenzen and Jim Sorgi belong on the waiver wire, rather than taking up even $1 of one's salary cap. I can't really tell if I did well, but I decided to post the roster anyway.

Andy Bs (Andy Bernard)

Pos Name Team Bye Salary QB David Garrard Jaguars (JAC) 7 3 RB LaDainian Tomlinson Chargers (SDG) 9 38 RB Earnest Graham Buccaneers (TAM) 10 12 WR Santonio Holmes Steelers (PIT) 6 8 WR Lee Evans Bills (BUF) 6 3 WR Calvin Johnson Lions (DET) 4 4 TE Heath Miller Steelers (PIT) 6 1 K Stephen Gostkowski Patriots (NWE) 4 4 DEF Minnesota Vikings Vikings (MIN) 8 2 B-QB Jason Campbell Redskins (WAS) 10 2 B-RB Darren Sproles Chargers (SDG) 9 1 B-RB Kevin Smith Lions (DET) 4 3 B-RB Rashard Mendenhall Steelers (PIT) 6 2 B-WR Donte' Stallworth Browns (CLE) 5 2 B-WR Patrick Crayton Cowboys (DAL) 10 2 B-WR Bobby Engram Seahawks (SEA) 4 2

Remaining Salary Cap:$11 Total:$89

The real problem here is that I blew nearly 40% of my cap on the first pick. I usually complain about how the serpentine system limits you to a certain predictable pattern of players (if Randy Moss is your 1st rounder with the 10th overall pick, you won't get Ryan Grant unless you reach, for example), but I think I could have done better if this were not an auction format. I really salvaged this draft by having nearly $30 left over for all the rookie RBs and scrub WRs in the twilight of the draft.

In the end, this is a made up draft for a made up game, so I'm wasting my time unless the field of fantasy football becomes a viable career landscape.

Fable 2 Screenshots

Years and years ago, my brother Nick would randomly drop to the floor and make himself convulse - it was his way of coping with what he called "Fable Cravings." You see, he had been following Peter Molyneux's game Fable for the Xbox for years, and apparently couldn't wait.

Besides this practice being particularly annoying, the problem with this whole situation is that Nick built up the game to be something that it wasn't. To his credit, Molyneux made huge promises he never could have delivered - "Blades of grass you cut will stay that way."

When the game came out, Nick played a game he expected to have limitless customization and player freedom that only had a fairly pedestrian amount of unique features. He ultimately viewed the long-awaited Fable in a negative light.

Hence, I am trying my best to temper my expectations for Fable 2. I myself loved the original, so I should have less reason to worry than my sibling, but I do not want to fall victim to the same aggrandizement for which Molyneux has become infamous. On the other hand, IGN has some interview material and screenshots with the creator of the game and it looks anything but disappointing. Also, check out the video interview.

The first 15 minutes of Fable 2 begin with you as a child. You'll choose to be either a boy or girl, but no other customization options are available.

Molyneux hopes that Fable 2 will not only deliver on the past promises for the original game, but will exceed all expectations. There's a lot to buy, a lot to explore and a lot of ways to improve your character. In fact, the final feature in Fable 2 isn't unlocked until the final 20 minutes. Expect to constantly have new expansions to your power and new wrinkles to gameplay throughout.

At one point in Fable 2, you meet a shadow creature who decides that one person must suffer in order to proceed in a crucial part of a quest. A young, attractive woman wanders into the woods and you are given a choice. One person must be horribly scarred. But will you sacrifice your own face to save this pretty girl or will you let vanity rule your decision? Sure, it could be easy to say you don't care about how you look, but your appearance affects how everyone in Albion reacts to you. Come home to your wife and kids with a mangled face and they will scream with terror. Are you willing to spend the rest of your time in Fable 2 horrifying children? And if not, then you forfeit the happiness of an innocent woman.

Maybe it's just because I need a girlfriend to occupy the time I would be using to play this game, but that sounds freakin' AWESOME! The final feature isn't unlocked until the final 20 minutes of the game?! Morality-bending shadow creatures?! Why don't game developers put that kind of stuff in EVERY game?!

Just hit me if I start having "Fable Cravings."

WJBR.com Shizz

As I may or may not have mentioned on here, I am ankle-deep into an internship with WJBR. Though I have been told internships are mostly composed of random errands and re-introducing yourself, I have been surprised at the varied work I've done during my shifts at the station, which has ranged from hanging a mirror (though it may have been better for a professional to put holes in their wall) to logging commercials for the web broadcast.

Recently I've done some web work orders for the station - here's some photoshopping of mine that is featured on the website.

The first is a logo for early summer - complete with J-Bear. Stay tuned for the extra-summery station logo which has been delayed until the day summer "officially" starts.Next is an advertisement for a Dutch Wonderland "Block Party" contest - complete with blind-your-grandmother-bright color coding.And the third and final piece is probably the best one (ooh! he changed text color mid-word!) is advertising how to win Rachael Ray's "Yum-o" cookbook.Interestingly enough, I almost got in trouble for this one, as THIS photo (left) came up in a google image search for Rachael Ray. "That's NOT Rachael Ray," my supervisor said. Whether it is or not, it's not like I typed in "seductive chocolate spoon-licker." Oh well.

I'm wondering when I'll be called out for using the outline for lettering ALL the time. Really, it's all I've got. This isn't quality photoshop work. Maybe I'm just the only intern that is comfortable with using it, because really, this is basic stuff. The good news is the quicker I am with the basics, the more time I have to screw around with more complicated artistic accents for the WJBR page. So if you go on to the website and the Dating Line advertisement is somehow 3-D, pulsing and playing technomusic, it may have been just a slow day at work.

An Actually Interesting Article on Sexual Harrassment

MSN - Complaints about women bosses preying on men have doubled since 1990. What’s going on out there?

I haven't bothered to change my default homepage from MSN, so occasionally I'll catch the 'Lifestyle' story of the day before going to FoxSports or CollegeHumor. Today's was about the growing trend of female bosses sexually harassing male subordinates. As demonstrated by the photo that accompanies the article (right), MSN apparently assumes, as I often do, that all women in this kind of story are hot.

If you're too lazy to read the entire article, I've selected some of the more detailed parts. I guess these are supposed to shock and awe you. Again, if you take MSN and my approach, this makes the story a lot better.

Louis Oblea Jr. logged onto his company computer and clicked on his e-mail: There was [his boss], completely nude and performing a sex act on herself. Not two minutes later, another e-mail from her landed in his in-box. This one, another woman, in a bondage getup.

Perhaps there was a miscommunication when "benefits" were discussed during his interview.

Says a 35-year-old executive at a Massachusetts financial company, who has 37 men reporting directly to her: “There are days when I just think, You know, I could have any single one of these guys."

She then goes on to say she would never cross that line blah blah blah, but why wreck your vision of the calculating cougar seductress?

She would ask me point-blank, Do I go down on my wife?

No commentary needed.

Just goes to show you, the Lifestyle section may be worth reading now and again.

Gee, I Wonder Why This Has Garnered Over 2 Million Views

Every now and then, What Would Tyler Durden Do? strays from it's patented brand of entertainment satire to include something less relevant. I don't really mind because, look, it's a hot girl with no pants on! Wiggling her ass!

In other news, I really need a life.

It's Always Sunny

While there is no real story here, a couple of us did spend a fun afternoon in Philadelphia today. Why drive 50 minutes out of my way when gas prices are skyrocketing? Because Preston and Steve announced that they would play a small part in the next season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as construction workers. They also said that the cast would be filming today at 2:45 in the city, and invited everyone to come out and be extras in a crowd scene.

While we didn't get to be extras (there was just a group of gawkers that we traveled with), it was pretty cool seeing the cast up close. Rob McIllhenny in particular was really cool to people that yelled to him or waved. Way to remember your roots.

Nick had my camera and used his freakish height to get the best pictures possible, though the PAs backed us off early and often.

I'll start with the best picture first.David Hornsby - a.k.a. "Rickety Cricket."

Rob McIllheny - a.k.a. Mac (center, in the classic Phillies tee) Charlie Day - a.k.a. Charlie Kelly - mysteriously wearing the "Green Man" suit under his clothes.McIllhenny and Glenn Howerton - a.k.a. Mac and Dennis - going over details on an upcoming scene outside Commerce Bank.
From left to right: Hornsby, Mary Elizabeth Ellis (her back), - a.k.a. The Waitress - and McIlhenny preparing to shoot outside the bank.
Danny Devito's BACK! (It is very hard to take a picture of a short person from a crowd)

In short, I kind of expected for us to kind of mill around rather than have some mind-blowing experience, but it was still awesome to see so many writer-actors that I respect. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of the most unheralded shows on television and while crass, rarely takes a cookie-cutter approach at comedy. There's a good chance I'll be following them around if I'm in town next summer.

ESPN's Top Ten Running Backs in the History of The NFL

I realize that a majority of the most recent posts have been simply links, but bear with me.

ESPN ranked the Top 10 NFL Running Backs, and interestingly enough, there is only one current player on that list. I realize that when you're compressing decades upon decades of talent into a top-ten list, you're going to spread it out through history, but given the rising standards for NFL defenses, you would think somebody like Westbrook could break into the tail end of the list. I think you can guess which current player made it in.

Don't fret, an adventure is planned for tomorrow - If all goes well, I'll at least have pictures.

Tidbit on Collegehumor

It's a far cry than the other pieces of writing I've done that have been featured nationally for CollegeHumor, but for those longing for the days of London Bridge and Bitches, I have a small treat for you.

105% is a weekly column of short-form jokes which includes work from CollegeHumor staff members as well as readers/part-time writers. This week's edition featured a joke I sent in on a lark - accompanied by my classic alias on the site.

And if you're wondering why it's been so long since I've been featured on the site, the two aforementioned full-length articles got less than 100 "Likes" combined. Oh well, maybe I'll pop up more often now.

YESSSSSSSSS!

ESPN Sent Keeper League Members A Revealing Message This Week.

I know that my league's draft is a little under 2 months away, but I am too excited to realize how long that really is.

UPDATE (6/10): As I referred others to this link, I have now discovered the destination has changed to some dude's league homepage. The message was that ESPN Fantasy Football leagues would open on Thursday, June 12th.

Fuck You, I Like This Artist

I am being lectured by my brother nick for my preference for what he calls "songs by a fatty whore bag that were popular for a half of a day before they became utter jokes."

Now, at first, I was inclined to take offense to his opinion, as I have long criticized the trash that tops the TRL charts and reaches the top of the Billboard Hot 100 (Lil' Wayne's Lollipop, I'm looking at you.) However, since college (and downloading free music), my tastes have expanded, and I am no longer the classic/modern rock purist. On top of that, he listens to shitty 80s music that people who actually lived during the era don't even remember - and worse, Ska.

So, this is the inaugural edition of what may be a reoccurring feature, simply entitled: Fuck You, I Like This Artist. Because you know what, not all songs are going to be as uniquely musically crafted as Stairway to Heaven. In fact, most are recycled melodies and shallow lyrics packaged by a slick marketing firm. But damn, some of them are catchy.

So this edition's artist is none other than Katy Perry.

Ms. Perry, (who is not fat by the way, and I would say not a whore, but the truth is I've never met her so I couldn't tell you) was recommended by Broseph Jared, who typically is the source for the new Akon jam. Perry grew up as the daughter of two pastors in Santa Barbara. She released a Christian Gospel CD in 2001 under the name Katy Hudson before taking her Pop Rock approach to music.

You may know her for her hit song "Ur So Gay" (Below), which apparently has been around for a while. Perhaps I dismissed it immediately when she decided not to spell out 'You're.' It's gotten some buzz recently because Madonna mentioned it was her current favorite song in a radio interview.
What really hooked me was "I Kissed A Girl." Yes, all you have to do is hint lesbianism and I will give your song a chance. But in all seriousness, while 'I Kissed A Girl' isn't going to blow anyone away with musical complexity, it will get inside your head. Perry's pipes, along with the long lost cousin of the drum beat from Gary Glitter's 'Rock and Roll Pt. 2' make for a pretty good pop hit. The video, sadly, does not deliver on any assumed promises.
If you like what you hear, you may want to consider buying Katy Perry's album, One of The Boys, on June 17th.

If you don't and you think I'm a loser for liking either of these songs, Fuck You - I Like This Artist.